Isn't it amazing that so many people have "oops" babies. I mean think back to junior high sex education videos that made it seem like if a guy looked at you sideways sperm could magically jump from him into you and you'd be knocked up. They made it seem as if getting pregnant was the easiest thing in the world and if you tripped and fell on a guy, you'd be stuck with him for the next 18 years, 9 months. Amazing how when you start trying to conceive, you find out just how difficult it really is to make a baby. You begin to look at those knocked up sixteen year olds with envy {probably the least flattering thing in the world to admit}. You learn that everything is about timing, and well, luck.
Well, we made it through round one...barely. I have learned that I can full on sob for no reason at all. Take super bowl Sunday for example. All day long I cried, ALL.DAY.LONG. I couldn't stop it. Poor J just kept asking what to do to make it better. Finally I made him leave and go to the superbowl party, but by seven I was texting him to come home because I missed him. He is {so far} dealing with my crazy pretty well. I have on at least two more occassions bawled for no reason. Well, the first one I blame on Carrie Underwood. God bless my husband who tries to be sweet to me: He got up turned on CMT and got in the shower. What song was on? Temporary home. I lost it. Second time? We were riding in the car and for no reason at all I just started to sob. No song, no comments, just full on crying for no reason. There have been a few other times but those are the ones that made me feel the craziest.
I want a baby. Like crazy bad. So I started my meds, vitamins, taking my temp, ovulation kits, no drinking, rock-n- roll, sushi, caffeine {ok so the last two I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY trying on, but I mean I do love sushi and as soon as I knew I should stop eating it, it's all I have wanted! I mean I've been eating tempura sushi, so that doesn't really count, right?}, I even have charts for everything. It's crazy hard not to become obsessed with numbers. I mean there are so many numbers that affect you. For example, I had my progesterone level drawn yesterday. This month it's a whopping 0.7 {are you kidding me!?!?}. Even with provera and clomid, it has barely made progress. So if my levels ever do increase, I actually get pregnant, I now have to worry about if my levels are doubling/rising at an appropriate pace or my body will miscarry. So what am I doing? Trying to stay positive and I'm looking into yoga. Because that's the totally logical response to all the crazy in my life. If I dwell on any of it for too long, I just get discouraged. Especially every time I get a frownie face on a stick that controls my life. I've been focusing more on petty things like how the girl at the clinique counter told me I'm "three shades from the whitest color they make"...geez.
On to something more optimistic. We have chosen nursery colors, and even bought a book shelf so that I can get rid of the big desk in that room. We have decided on gray, white, and yellow. All gender neutral, and it goes with the Winnie the Pooh theme I want. We have decided that the walls will be gray with one accent wall that is yellow and white stripes. Any volunteers for painting? I've already volunteered my sister in law after she made the mistake of saying that she loves to paint. Anyway, we are going to sand all of the furniture (it's been in my family for a while), paint it white, and reupholster the cushions on the glider so that they will match the color scheme. I now have a box full of items labeled "Future tiny human stuff." But more on that later. I'll keep you posted on what's going on with my fertility, and I'll get back to my regular posting {Just for you Amanda!} in a couple of days. I'll also back track and share some of the super fun stuff we did at work for Valentine's Day!
*Happy Saturday*
