Laying an egg...

 

 

 

 

Today I'm going to talk about something that unfortunately has become a reality for me...Infertility.

 

I never in a million years dreamed that I would struggle with poly-cystic ovaries. I never thought that when I was finally ready to have a family, I would have problems.  I mean, I went to college, got married, bought a house, have a good job.  Why is this the thing that is so damn difficult?  Well, here's my story.

 

When I was young, my cycles were irregular.  The solution? Birth control. I stayed on it for about 9 years.  I stopped taking the pill in December 2009, after I got married.  I knew it would take a while for my body to regulate and start making its own hormones again. But mine didn't. On average I will ovulate on my own maybe once a year.  I don't get any signs about any of it. When that yearly cycle shows up I'm as surprised as a 16 year old who finds out they've been knocked up. (So P.C., I know)  This is a secret that I've we've struggled with since around April 2010. We only let our families know recently.  Every time I see facebook that another one of my friends is expecting, it stings that much more. But what hurts the most is when I see children that are abused, neglected, brought into DHS custody, or even still with parents who don't care about them.  Why did those people get the one thing I so desperately want?

 

No hard feelings to my friends who have babies or are expecting.  I'm stoked for each of you.  This is in no way, shape, or form about you.  This is about people who don't think of others struggles and ask me all the time, "So, when are you guys gonna have kids?"  There is something so irritating about having to smile and say "Oh, ya know, when were ready."  When all you really want to say is "Wish I could" or "Well, if it were up to me, two years ago."  Or what you really want to do is make them feel like total assholes for asking. That's the route I've started taking with some people.  Like the doctors office. I'm the worst patient ever. I call to get my lab results or get them to put in a lab order and they take forever to call me back or put in the order, I get a little over dramatic about it.  I ask things like "Do you have children? Oh, you do? Well I would love to have one in the next two years and unlike you, day 23 of my cycle doesn't come every month, so put the damn order in!" Yes, I know, it reads a little crazy.  But it is aggravating when you are doing what the doctor says to do and the front or the nurses are dragging their heels when it comes to labs. 

 

On to labs...

In November, I had a progesterone level drawn.  It as 0.5 which is non-ovulatory.  So December meant double the hormones, double the crazy, and a new level to be drawn on January 11.  That level, decreased. Are you effin' kidding me!?!  Hate life. So I called and scheduled an appointment to see my OB-GYN. We needed to have a talk. The hubs decided he wanted to come with this time, after all, two people listening is better than one, angry, emotional, mess of a person listening while try not to yell at the doctor and cause a scene, right?

 

The visit...
After a very awkward, surprise exam at my visit, we spoke with the doctor about our concerns, that we were ready to start a family, and that we needed to know what to do. He gave us our options, and sent me in clomid and provera.  I start it this month (in a couple of weeks). I wasn't as emotional or crazy as I honestly thought I would be.

 

What's next...
A bunch of eating better, basil body temps, charting, taking medications, vitamins, and prayer.

 

An ending note...

I hope that I'm not offending anyone, but then again, it's about me this time and those who would be offended probably stopped reading after the "knocked-up 16 year old" comment. If after a couple of years (if I make it that long) of fertility treatments and all the hoop jumping doesn't work, I'm totally pro-adoption.  There are lots of babies that need good homes.  I always wanted to have one and adopt one anyway.  My message to those reading is to think before you ask people things like "So when are you gonna have a kid?"  You do not know what road they are walking down or how well they are dealing with it.  I don't want sympathy.  I want people to be mindful of others and not put them in an uncomfortable spot where they have to lie to people for YEARS.  Not your marriage/relationship/family?  NOT your place to ask.  I hope and pray nobody has to ever go through this struggle.  But if you know someone who does, be supportive for them. They don't need your sympathy, though "I'm sorry" is said with sympathy, it will not fix this. Be their support net, if they are ready to talk, listen, but don't push.  I plan to blog about our journey with this, we just wanted to tell our families first.

 

Happy Tuesday.



4.5 down/ I fell off the face of the earth

So we decided to do a "biggest loser" thing at work.  I signed up thinking, yeah, sure, why not?  I downloaded the "my fitness pal" app and put in all my info.  I'm counting calories, drinking water, all that jazz.  In the first week I lost 4.5 pounds. Yay! Go me!

Here's why I struggle so much, but put a little differently. 

A friend of mine has a problem with fake-authority.  She does things like "oh, my car says I need an oil change? I'mma change the oil when I want to!" and "oh, I can't have chocolate? Watch me eat chocolate covered everything!"  I'm that way about dieting. If I realize I can't have it, I think I need it.  Like buffalo wings, yes, buffalo wings.  I can go 3 months without them, but the minute I start dieting, I can't stop thinking about them!  I haven't had a real coke in a week. I'm drinking about 2 liters of water a day, and probably peeing twice that amount. All I want to do is go to applebee's with some friends and chow on some buffalo wings, with blue cheese dressing, no celery.  Why no celery? Who wants veggies when you can chow on deep-fried, over sauce, awful for you, wings.  I also have talked myself out of Reese's peanut butter cups like 5 times. I've got mad will power skills.

As one of my dear friends pointed out, I have not been blogging lately. My  bad. 

I have had a crazy few weeks. We had an awful storm and lost power for five days. Yes, five. Everything in my house is electric! It was Fa-Ree-Zing!  Lola went to work with J because it was like 38 degrees in the house, there were about 192k people without power in central Arkansas!  I would charge my phone and laptop at work during the day and we would watch DVDs of Dawson's Creek until it died every night.  Other than that fiasco, I have been sick every other day, and have been catching up on sleep. 

Well, I'm off to bed. I've got to clean house in the am.  Check back on Tuesday for a brand-spankin' new, awesomely insightful, post.